...Vicevi...

Sve što ne paše u ostale forume ide ovdje.
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John_Ryder
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Post by John_Ryder » 16 Dec 2007, 21:30

horrorfan wrote:Uciteljica:U recenici "Jovo igra nogomet"...sto je jovo?
Ivica:Cetnik, majku mu jebem
ahahahahah,zakon :D :D :D
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dodo
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Post by dodo » 16 Dec 2007, 21:31

Molim vas bosanci nemojte mi zamjerit to je samo vic

Znate li vi kako se kuha bosanska glava :?:

Stavite glavu skupa sa kamenom u lonac pa kad se kamen skuha onda pustite glavu još pet minuta :lol:

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elrania
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Joined: 04 Feb 2007, 18:13

Post by elrania » 16 Dec 2007, 22:13

Wendigo wrote:zašto se mali crnjo ne može okrenuti u hodniku?
- zato što ima koplje u glavi - :lol:
aah, bolja mi je ova varijanta

sto je to crno bijelo i ne moze se okrenut oko sebe u liftu?
casna sestra s kopljem u ledima


ovaj vec postah prije u drugom topicu, al evo jos jednom

The Test
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

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elrania
Posts: 23132
Joined: 04 Feb 2007, 18:13

Post by elrania » 16 Dec 2007, 22:15

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else
will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything
a but truthful answer.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to be honest,yet
spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration
to each line.

Here's the situation:

You are in Louisiana; New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical
proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper,and
you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his
life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move
closer...somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.

It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!! At the same time you
notice that the raging waters are about to take him under...forever. You
have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a
dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of
the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
































Would you select high-contrast color film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?.........................

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elrania
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Joined: 04 Feb 2007, 18:13

Post by elrania » 16 Dec 2007, 22:17

SHIT HAPPENS

1. Taoism: Shit happens.
2. Confucianism: Confucius says: ÂŤShit happens.Âť
3. Buddhism: If shit happens, it is not really shit.
4. Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
5. Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
6. Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Alah.
7. Islam 2: If shit happens, take another hostage.
8. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
9. Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
10. Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
11. Lutheran: If shit happens, don´t talk about it.
12. Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
13. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
14. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don´t work.
15. Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
16. Creationism: God made all shit.
17. Christian Science: When shit happens, don´t call doctor, pray!
18. Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
19. Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
20. Darwinism: This shit was once food.
21. Capitalism: This is my shit.
22. Communism: This is everybody´s shit.
23. Feminism: Men are shit.
24. Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can´t live without us...
25. Commercialism: Let´s package this shit.
26. Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
27. Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
28. Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening.
29. Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
30. Scientology: If shit happens, see ÂŤDianeticsÂť, Section 2, Chapter 4. p. 157.
31. Jehovah wittnesses: (knock) (knock)... May I have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
32. Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama ding ding
33. Rastafarianism: Let´s smoke this shit!
34. Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
35. Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
36. Atheism: What shit?
37. Atheism 2: I can´t believe this shit!
38. Nihilism: No shit.
39. Shamanism/Toltecs: We are all shit, ´till the bitter end.

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elrania
Posts: 23132
Joined: 04 Feb 2007, 18:13

Post by elrania » 16 Dec 2007, 22:17

Oval Office , White House
George Bush ( President of the U.S.) : Condi! Nice to see you. What s happening?
Condoleeza Rice ( Foreign Advisor) : Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George : Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That s what I want to know.
Condi: That s what I m telling you.
George: That s what I m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: I m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That s the man s name.
George: That s who s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes , sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes , sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No , sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes , sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No , thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don t want Kofi?
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes , sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China!?
Condi: Yes , sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!
(Condi picks up the phone)
Condi: Rice , here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

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dodo
Posts: 1286
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Location: Rijeka

Post by dodo » 16 Dec 2007, 22:19

koja je razlika između kruha i bebe :?:

Bebu kad režeš ona se ne mrvi :lol:

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AlabamaSmokeOne
Posts: 356
Joined: 17 May 2007, 23:52

Post by AlabamaSmokeOne » 16 Dec 2007, 22:34

Ulazi pile na stakama u restoran i izdere se: Tko je narucio pilece batake?

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dodje Mujo doktoru i skine cipele i kaze doktor; uh, sto ti smrde noge! A Mujo njemu; ma rekao mi je vec moj doktor to,al sam htjeo cuti i vase misljenje
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Sto pjevaju kokoske kad se napiju?
I believe I can fly.......
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Koje su zadnje rijeci kapetana titanica?
Jebote led...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dvije dame u najboljim godinama su se odlucile da izadu u "zivot",
naravno
bez svojih muzeva. Otisle su na veceru i nakon dobre klope i zabave
(olajavanja) prekomjerno su se nalile te su se u dobrim jutarnjim satima
uputile doma.

Na putu do kuce im je dosla jaka nuzda pa su, kako ne bi svjetlile u
mraku
sa svojim guzama, otisle i sakrile se na obliznje groblje pokraj kojeg
su
prolazile. Po napravljenoj nuzdi su se dosjetile da nemaju toaletnog
papira.

Jedna od njih se dosjeti - svuce tangice i njima se obrise pa ih baci u
kos od smeca.
Druga je imala jako lijepe i ljubljene svilene gacice, pa ih spremi
ciste
u torbicu, a s obliznjeg vjenca otrga dio te se tako obrise.
Nakon toga su otisle doma.
Drugo jutro razgovaraju njihovi muzevi: "Znas, ja cu poludjeti, moja
zena
je dosla doma tek rano ujutro, mrtva pijana i bez tangica" - kaze prvi.
"Nije to nista" - kaze drugi - "Moja zena se takoder vratila doma rano
jutro, mrtva pijana i bez gacica, a iz guzice joj je virio komad trake s
natpisom: Nikada te necemo zaboraviti. Petar, Ivan i NK Rijeka
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

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Wendigo
Posts: 14742
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Location: Dublin, Ireland

Post by Wendigo » 16 Dec 2007, 22:52

zašto mama kuha malog Ivicu?
- kuha čaj od majčine dušice - :rotflmao:

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dodo
Posts: 1286
Joined: 09 Nov 2007, 19:14
Location: Rijeka

Post by dodo » 16 Dec 2007, 22:55

žak Houdek može biti osmi kontinent :lol:

Šta crnac ima bjelo :?:
Gazdu :lol:

Hitler:Hans pojačaj grijanje
Hans:ne mogu
Hitler:što
Hans:nema židova :lol:

Kako strpati 100 židova u jednog fiću :?:
Dva naprijed ,tri odiza i 95 u pepeljaru :lol:

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Donnie Darko
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Location: Prilaz Nelsona Mandele

Post by Donnie Darko » 16 Dec 2007, 22:59

Došao Djed Božićnjak u Afriku i uzeo malog crnca i pita ga:
- "A što bi ti za Božić?"
Dijete će:
- "Djede, nisam ništa jeo dva mjeseca... pa..."
Djed Božićjak će na to:
- "Ho, ho, ho, tko ne jede nema poklona!"

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dodo
Posts: 1286
Joined: 09 Nov 2007, 19:14
Location: Rijeka

Post by dodo » 16 Dec 2007, 23:07

Šta je brže od metka :?:
Židov koji je dobio besplatan kupon za hranu :lol:

Prevrće po smeću vampir u to naiđe drugi vampir i pita:
Šta to tražiš :?:
Gledam ima li negdje tampon,mali mi ima gripu pa da mu malo čaja skuham :lol:

Došao vampir sa mtvačkim sandukom kući a mali vampir mu odgovori tata zar opet za večeru konzerve :lol:

Zašto dracula ima ružnu frizuru :?:
jer se nemože vidjetu u ogledalu :lol:

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la terza madre
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Post by la terza madre » 16 Dec 2007, 23:44

Član porodice pokojnika naručuje vijenac od vještačkog cvijeća i traku sa natpisom: "Počivaj u miru. Do viđenja". Sat kasnije, telefonira:
-Dodajte, molim vas, i "na nebu", ako još ima mjesta.
Sutradan se moglo pročitati na traci: "Počivaj u miru. Do viđenja na nebu, ako još ima mjesta

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maddjuro
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Post by maddjuro » 17 Dec 2007, 01:06

Evo nekih izreka poznatog komičara koji je umro 3 dana nakon elvisa, pa je ta smrt prošla somewhat nezapaženo:

* A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
* A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
* Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
* Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
* From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
* Go, and never darken my towels again.
* I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
* I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
* I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
* I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
* I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
* I thought my razor was dull, then I heard his speech.
* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
* If you write about yourself, the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
* In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
* Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
* Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
* Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
* Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
* One morning I caught an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I don't know.
* Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
* Outside of a dog, a book is Man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
* Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
* There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
* Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
* Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
* I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
I may be an idiot, but i am no fool.

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Wendigo
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Location: Dublin, Ireland

Post by Wendigo » 17 Dec 2007, 10:27

Image

:lol:
disclaimer: zamolio bih vjernike da ovo shvate kao vic, zajebanciju whatever..

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