...Vicevi...

Sve što ne paše u ostale forume ide ovdje.
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Dragonrage
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Post by Dragonrage » 13 Mar 2007, 09:27

Tri bračna para proslavljaju svoje godišnjice braka u jednom hotelu.
Poslije večere svaki par ode u svoju sobu.
Ujutro, na doručku našli se muškarci, i to jedan sa šljivom ispod oka,
drugi sa slomljenom rukom, a treći sa slomljene obje noge.

Pitaju prvog sto mu se desilo, a on im kaže:
-"Ne pitajte! Ušli mi u sobu, krenuli da se kresemo, završimo, i ja iz
navike iz džepa izvadim 100 eura i pružim ženi. Ona se toliko
naljutila da je dohvatila pepeljaru i ravno u oko!"

Drugi će:
-"Ma slična stvar. Došli u sobu, obavili posao, ja iz navike izvadim
100 eura kad ona meni vraća 50. Zamahnem rukom da ju udarim, a ona se
sagne i ja zveknem ravno u zid!"

Treći priča:
-"Ja sam još gore prošao. Dođemo mi u sobu, krenemo da se kresemo,
kad u sred radnje neko pokuca. Moja žena se uplaši i iz navike vikne:
"Jao, muž!", a ja budala ravno kroz prozor!"

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Dragonrage
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Post by Dragonrage » 23 Mar 2007, 14:03

Vidno uzrujan čovjek ulazi u birtiju i odma s vrata pljune i vikne:
"Barmene, daj mi duplu ljutu!" nakon čega pljune i promrmlja sebi u
bradu "šta baba vozi..."
Barmen mu kaže - Recite šta vas mući, ja vam izvrsno slušam.
Čovjek - Ma nemoj me ništa pitat - pljune - ¹ta baba vozi...
Barmen - Pa dobro, ne može bit toliko loše...
Čovjek povuče duplu ljutu, i odmah je ispljune natrag u čašu - pu,
šta baba vozi...
Barmen - pa dobro, pobogu, smirite se. ©ta je bilo?
Čovjek - Ustao se ja jutros, krenuo na posao, kanta nikako da
upali, jebi ga, moram stopirat, privatna firma, nema kažnjenja, pu
(pljune) šta baba vozi
Barmen - Pa dobro, smirite se, i jeste ustopirali?
Čovjek - Jesam i to iz prve, pu šta baba vozi...
Barmen - Pa šta vozi?
Čovjek - Novi mercedes mi stao, baba u njemu izgleda ko lignja,
naborana, isušena, bit će da ima devedeset i koju, i tako ja uđem u
auto, baba krene, šalta brzine, i piči baba stodvadeset na sat i
prestiže sve živo i neživo ispred nas kad odjedanput šleper ispred
nas, autobus dolazi s druge strane, a baba da će prestić ovaj šleper
šta je ispred nas. Ja kažem "Baba, ako to uspiješ, poljubit ću te u
pizdu. Pu šta baba vozi...

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

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jigsaw
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Joined: 30 Dec 2006, 00:08

Post by jigsaw » 23 Mar 2007, 14:22

Idu dva čovjeka ulicom drugi pogotovo.

Ide čovjek ulicom i padne kroz prozor.

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john_constantine
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Joined: 06 Oct 2006, 17:25

Post by john_constantine » 23 Mar 2007, 16:04

Dve krave


Socijalizam:
imas 2 krave i jednu das komsiji.

komunizam:
imas 2 krave. vlada ti uzme obe i da ti malo mleka.

fasizam:
imas 2 krave. vlada ti uzme obe i proda ti malo mleka.

nacizam:
imas 2 krave. vlada ti uzme obe i strelja te.

birokratizam:
imas 2 krave. vlada ti uzme obe, strelja jednu, pomuze drugu i baci mleko.

tradicionalni kapitalizam:
imas 2 krave. prodas jednu i kupis bika. tvoje stado se mnozi i prihodi rastu. prodas ih sve i penzionises se s velikom zaradom.

americka korporacija:
imas 2 krave: prodas jednu i teras drugu da proizvodi mleko kao cetiri krave. kasnije zaposlis eksperta da ispita zasto je krava crkla.

francuska korporacija:
imas 2 krave. stupas u strajk zato sto hoces 3 krave.

japanska korporacija:
imas 2 krave. Redizajniras ih da budu velicine desetog dela obicne krave i da daju dvadeset puta vise mleka.
onda napravis lukav crtani koji nazoves kravomon i reklamiras ih po celom svetu.

nemacka korporacija:
imas 2 krave. prepravis ih tako da zive 100 godina, jedu jednom mesecno i same sebe muzu.

britanska korporacija:
imas 2 krave. obe su lude.

italijanska korporacija:
imas 2 krave ali ne znas gde su. odes na pauzu za rucak.

ruska korporacija:
imas 2 krave. prebrojis ih i shvatis da ima 5 krava. ponovo ih prebrojis i shvatis da ima 5 krava. ponovo ih prebrojis i shvatis da imas 42 krave. Ponovo ih prebrojis i shvatis da imas 2 krave. prestanes da brojis i otvoris novu flasu votke.

kineska korporacija:
imas 2 krave. imas 300 ljudi da ih muzu. tvrdis da je zaposlenost 100%, visoki prinosi mleka, i uhapsis novinara koji je objavio cifre.

indijska korporacija:
imas 2 krave. obozavas ih dok ne crknu.
Image

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Aryx
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Post by Aryx » 23 Mar 2007, 16:08

nesto slicno sigurno ste to vec vidjeli

HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her.Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "Sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess
is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
There is nothing on earth half so terrifying as a truly just man.

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=staa4QvuFRI&feature=related]ASOIAF[/url]

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A$H
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Post by A$H » 23 Mar 2007, 18:29

To ima na scakom metal forumu 8)

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her.Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
:twisted:
It's A Bird... It's A Plane... It's SUPERA$H!!

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carver
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Post by carver » 16 Dec 2007, 19:18

Kćer u Černobilu dolazi kod mame:
- Mama, raste mi treca sisa!
- Zaboli me kurac!

- Halo?
- Da?
- Sine, tata ovdje. Sta radi mama?
- Eno, ljubi se tamo u sobi sa jednim tipom.
- Sine, uzmi pistolj iz moje ladice i ubij ih oboje.
- Dobro, tata!
(BUM-BUM!)
- Halo, tata, ubio sam ih.
- Bravo, Perice, a sada...
- Ali, ja nisam Perica, ja sam Jovica.
- Pa koji je to broj, je li to stan Petrovic?!
- Nije, nego Jovanovic!
- Oprostite...

Mama, mama, ja ne volim ove špagete.
Šuti da ti ne pocupam vene i iz druge ruke!

Sjede sadist, mazohist, serial killer, nekrofil, zoofil, i piroman na klupi i dosadjuju se do besvjesti. Kad jednom, digne se zoofil i kaze:
- "Ajd' da uhvatimo jednu macku !"
Sadist:
- "Ajd' da uhvatimo macku, pa da je mucimo !"
Serial killer:
- "Ajd' da uhvatimo macku, pa da je mucimo, pa da je ubijemo!"
Nekrofil:
- "Ajd' da uhvatimo macku, pa da je mucimo, pa da je ubijemo, pa da jebemo !"
Piroman:
- "Ajd' da uhvatimo macku, pa da je mucimo, pa da je ubijemo, pa da jebemo, pa da je zapalimo !"
Svi pogledaju mazohista i ocekuju sta ce on dodati.
Digne se on pogleda ih sve, i kaze :
- "Mijau!"

Mama ja ne volim djeda! Dobro sine, stavi ga tati na tanjur!

Ulazi mama u kuću sa posla, i zabezekne se:
-Ivice, crni sine, pa zašto si zaklao dedu, imamo jos pola bake u frizideru

Ulazi mala djevojcica u trgovinu i zatrazi malu usnu harmoniku.Prodavac joj na brzinu nepaznjom zamota u paketic osrednji zilet umjesto usne harmonike.Djevojcica plati,zahvali se i ode.
Kad je prodavac shvatio da je pogrijesio trkom se zaleti na ulicu i povice za malom:"Hej,curo,stani!Zabunio sam se!"
A djevojcica se samo okrene i nasmije od uha - do uha!!!

Mama, mama, mozemo li se igrati sa bakom?
Mozete, ali je poslje opet zakopajte!

Deda, sta je to Černobil?
Nista sine, kaže deda i pomazi ga po glavama.

Kaze sin majci:
- Mama, mama, stiglo je proljece!
- Otkud znas, sine?
- Eno, visi baba u kupatilu!

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

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John_Tate's_bitch
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Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 17:46

Post by John_Tate's_bitch » 16 Dec 2007, 19:31

Dođe gluh gluopom; koliko je 4+4? Dođe glupi: 7!! A gluhi kaže: NOS TI POSRAN!!! Ahahahahahahahaha...uopće nije smješno.
[img]http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/5939/i188980659890107ov4.gif[/img]

[color=violet][b]My Fairy King[/b][/color]

“I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear.”~Freddie Mercury

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Wendigo
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Location: Dublin, Ireland

Post by Wendigo » 16 Dec 2007, 19:37

zašto se mali crnjo ne može okrenuti u hodniku?
- zato što ima koplje u glavi - :lol:

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Donnie Darko
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Joined: 05 Oct 2006, 19:04
Location: Prilaz Nelsona Mandele

Post by Donnie Darko » 16 Dec 2007, 19:41

sto veze crnca i drvo?
Uže

Gosp.
Posts: 2157
Joined: 25 Oct 2006, 23:15

Post by Gosp. » 16 Dec 2007, 19:49

Hoda njemački vojnik Poljskom 41. i iskoči pred njega Poljak. Njemac podigne mitraljez kad odjednom čuje Božji glas:
-Nemoj ga ubiti!
Njemac svejedno kaže:
-A zašto ne?
-On će biti sljedeći papa!
Njemac odgovara:
-Dobro, ako ću ja biti papa poslije njega!
Better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven.

GreenHornet
Posts: 4849
Joined: 30 Oct 2007, 01:03
Location: Dubrovnik

Post by GreenHornet » 16 Dec 2007, 20:02

koja je razlika između toše i punka?
punk is not dead!
Zaljubljen sam u Fräulein Unbekann!!!!!

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The Undertaker
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Post by The Undertaker » 16 Dec 2007, 20:02

carver wrote:Ulazi mala djevojcica u trgovinu i zatrazi malu usnu harmoniku.Prodavac joj na brzinu nepaznjom zamota u paketic osrednji zilet umjesto usne harmonike.Djevojcica plati,zahvali se i ode.
Kad je prodavac shvatio da je pogrijesio trkom se zaleti na ulicu i povice za malom:"Hej,curo,stani!Zabunio sam se!"
A djevojcica se samo okrene i nasmije od uha - do uha!!!
Imam ja par sličnih, ali samo je Perica u glavnoj roli:
Dolazi perica na trafiku i traži žvake, gospodja koja radi u trafici umesto žvaka mu greškom da pakovanje žileta. Perica se udalji malo od trafike i gospodja se seti šta je uradila i vikne:
- Dečko, dečko, dala sam ti žilete!
A Perica se okrenu i krvavo se nasmeja.

Dolazi perica na trafiku i traži žvake, gospodja koja radi u trafici umesto žvaka mu greškom da petarde. Perica se udalji malo od trafike i gospodja se seti šta je uradila i vikne:
- Dečko, dečko, dala sam ti petarde!
A Perica se okrenu i prsnu u smeh.

Dolazi perica na trafiku i traži žvake, gospodja koja radi u trafici umesto žvaka mu greškom da kašikaru. Perica se udalji malo od trafike i gospodja se seti šta je uradila i vikne:
- Dečko, dečko, dala sam ti kašikaru!
A Perica se okrenu i nasmeja se na sve strane. (Ili puče od smeha - druga verzija)


:rotflmao:

Copy - paste je čudo! :lol:
None off you all seem to understand.
I'm not locked in here with you,
you're locked in here with me!

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Freddy
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Location: zagreb

Post by Freddy » 16 Dec 2007, 20:24

hodaju 2 blizanke ulicom i kaže prva blizanka drugoj-kak si ružna :rotflmao:
You can kill a rapper, but not his music.
You can kill an actor but not his work.
You can kill a poet but not his poetry.
You can kill a Tupac but he'll live in our hearts forever.
Rest In Peace, PAC, Thug love 4 you...

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Donnie Darko
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Joined: 05 Oct 2006, 19:04
Location: Prilaz Nelsona Mandele

Post by Donnie Darko » 16 Dec 2007, 20:34

Uciteljica:U recenici "Jovo igra nogomet"...sto je jovo?
Ivica:Cetnik, majku mu jebem

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